LOST OPPORTUNITIES

During the years of my rebellion and my turning away from God, and immediately after severing an emotionally abusive relationship that had lasted for about three years, I relocated to Johannesburg, South Africa, from Harare, Zimbabwe (Salisbury, Rhodesia as it was then known).

I stayed with married friends, whom I had known from my Cape Town days, for the first week until I could find employment and alternative accommodation, then moved to what was then known as a "private hotel", within walking distance of my place of employment.

In the dining hall one evening, I was approached by an Englishman, or "Pommie" as South Africans sometimes affectionately (and sometimes not so affectionately) call the British, who came asking on behalf of a friend at his table, whether I would accompany his friend to the movies. I told him to tell the coward to ask me himself, which he promptly did.... After an enjoyable evening chatting and having umpteen cups of coffee, I accepted the invitation to the movies, and a new friendship was born.

This friendship blossomed and we eventually became engaged to be married. The wedding date was set for nine months from the date of the engagement.

Jim was a loving, gentle, shy man, with soulful big brown eyes and an engaging smile. He was not an Adonis, wealthy or influential. He did not have a star spangled career - just an ordinary guy - but I do not recall him ever being guilty of a a mean, ugly or hurtful word or action. His love was genuine, kind and true.

I loved him. Yet there was something about him that worried me. He was brought up in a home without fear or knowledge of God. No Bible, no prayers, no church, no religion, nothing...

He had no faith in a living God, salvation or eternal life.

         "For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by
         the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without 
         excuse."  Rom. 1:20

I was in rebellion and turned away from God. I kept pushing thoughts about this state of affairs to the side because for the first time in years I was happy...I was not going to let anything get in the way of this happiness...

Our wedding plans were progressing according to plan... dress designed, etc. etc. The only outstanding items were the church and the marriage official. Jim had no qualms about getting married at the Registry Office but I wanted a church wedding...Why did I need God's blessing and witness if I was not acknowledging God as being in control of my life at that time?

Still... it was important to me... so Jim decided that as his grandparents were members of the Church of England, that would be where we would seek assistance. The minister wanted me to become a member of his church, which I refused, so that put paid to that idea....

As the wedding date came closer and closer, this issue loomed larger on the horizon and one evening Jim and I got talking about ministers, churches, religion, Christianity, God... in that order.

We talked for hours. Although I was in rebellion and not serving God, I had a very strict Christian upbringing - in fact, I was raised a Pastor's daughter - and I knew only too well that God was real and that I would not be able to run from Him for the rest of my life.

Suddenly realising that it therefore was imperative that Jim would be aware of and accept this and hopefully accept the Lord as well at some stage, this became the most serious conversation of our relationship.

Sadly, I could not convince him. What he eventually said was this: "If I die before you, and there is life after death, I will let you know somehow, and if you die before me, vica versa."

After he left that evening, I found myself on my knees praying for the first time in years: "God, if he is not willing to beliewe in Your existence, then this marriage may not endure...but I love him too much to hurt him. I leave the future in Your hands."

We arranged that a Magistrate friend would marry us at the venue for the reception.

Clients, very well known manufacturers of men's clothing, presented Jim with a suit of his choice for the wedding. We simply had to go to the factory and fetch it! Wow!

We set off to the factory on Saturday, 6th February, the wedding date being Saturday, 6th March, happily chatting and singing on the way from the Witkoppen area to Fordsburg where the factory was situated.

Along the way, a seven ton sand truck skipped a stop street... we were travelling in a VW Beetle... our vehicle landed under the trailer of the truck...Jim was pinned behind the steering wheel...the door on my side buckled and burst open...when the side of the trailer hit my head I was thrown out of the vehicle and onto the road surface...

All of the beige lace dress that I wore that day was soaked and caked with my own blood, except for one tiny spot right at the zipper beginning at the back neckline...

There would be no wedding...because there was no longer a groom... We no longer needed the wedding dress or suit....There were wreaths instead of bouquets, a gravestone instead of a wedding cake. The Church of England minister presided at the funeral, at which I was not present because I was still in hospital...

        "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion."  Ps. 95:7

Today, with hindsight, I undertand that even though I was not committed to doing God's will, He in His mercy, love and kindness, gave me a period of quiet love, and joy, and an opportunity to come to the understanding that I would not forever be able to run from Him. Jim was afforded, what would turn out to be his last opportunity to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as His own personal Saviour. Unfortunately, neither Jim nor I grasped or responded to God's purposes for us being a couple at the time.

Thank You, Lord, for giving everyone at least one opportunity to see and understand Your Lordship over all the Universe. Help us to not harden our hearts as in rebellion against You and Your Word but to joyfully accept You and have eternal life.